I have been thinking about this all week. Someone asked me last week about my online presence, and I admitted to be very timid about being online. Why? Because I paralyze myself with fear; fear of what people will think of me, fear of writing something dumb, fear of not being accepted, etc...
I start thinking too much about what I want to write on a blog. Something creeps in, and I allow it to, and there's this noise about how my writing should be "good" and "impactful"; "earth shattering, preferably" but then the self-negating pendulum starts swinging in the other direction, "but don't go too deep, sometimes people don't understand what you're talking about."
It's like a furry little monster with a soft, but whiny voice that starts invading my personal space gradually, asking "what if people don't like what you write, what if they disagree with you, what if you write something, and your mind changes years down the road, and you're embarrassed that you wrote that, what if people think you're crazy or stupid, what if it doesn't appeal to everyone, what if it doesn't appeal to anyone, what if someone is offended by what you write, what if you start this blog and then you don't like it, what if..."
"Um - hello? Hi, I'm Katie. I normally try not to interrupt someone when they are talking, but you are driving me crazy. It's nice that you have good intentions regarding my "safety" and all, but quite frankly, I'm bored with all of your over-analyzing nonsense. Real fear is valuable when it is kicking in to warn me about real danger. I'd like to point out that "writing a blog" and "being me" and "writing what I want to write" and "sharing who I really am" is not inherently dangerous. So while I appreciate your input, I currently have no use for it, and I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
As it turns to leave, it looks back over its shoulder, "You know, people are going to think you're nuts for talking to me like this."
Me: "That's fine. I'm willing to take that risk. I have a feeling that they have similar conversations with you anyway. Goodbye."
Fear: "I'll be back."
Me: "I know. I'll be here. I will likely ask you to leave a bit earlier next time."
So with that, I am committing to be me on this blog... to share my thoughts as they are without trying to impress, or please others. And without censoring my neuroses, because we're all human after all. Call me crazy or weird if you want to, but be prepared to realize over and over again that what you judge in other people is a reflection of what you dislike in yourself. I feel like I face that everyday for the first time. Ah, the human condition!
I commit to sharing what I find interesting about the world and life (which gives me a limitless amount of ammunition!), and will not be worrying about expectations from others. Ok, maybe I will worry about them, but I won't allow those expectations to influence my decisions.
We all have something to say, we all have stories to tell. Whatever they are, they are important and valid. A dear friend of mine sent this quote to me today...I pass it on to you and encourage you in your journeys wherever you may be today...
“There is a beauty in your presence. Show who you are.”
Me: "Ok, I will try my very best!"